I kinda hate March Madness. And I mean “kinda hate” the way Joe Frasier “kinda” hated Muhammed Ali, or the way RiFF RaFF “kinda” hates doing what people expect him to. He’s a rebel!
And so am I. I may be in a drastic minority on this issue, but I find all these games and forgettable “storylines” to be insufferably droll. Let me redeem myself: though I find the actual sports annoying, the viewing parties are another story. The March Madness viewing party is a place to see and be seen, an indoor precursor to the rooftop party where everyone — especially girls — pretends they’re still in college painting their faces and drinking excessively.
To capitalize on these glories without giving anyone the impression that you want to talk about the actual athletic events that you’ve all congregated to watch, look no further than our very-carefully curated Wear This To That: The March Madness Viewing Party. This outfit says it all. What are all the things it says? Glad you ask:
It does say awesomely arrogant things like:
- I don’t wear college apparel because my outfit competes at the highest level.
- I’m athletic, but only just enough that I can socially promote all the calories I burn.
- I have a deep, deep appreciation for limited-edition streetwear, rivaled only in its depth by my pockets. (Read: I am wealthy.)
It does not say polite, non-confrontational things like:
- Please, by all means, talk to me about that time you were hanging out with the star point guard from your school and he [stole a laptop/smoked weed/was actually a pretty chill dude/banged your girl]. This is in no way boring to me and I would like to continue this college-based conversation interminably.